Sunday, February 28, 2010

On Pens in Mugs


For some really odd reason (which still evades me), there is a sort of tradition for using mugs as a stationery “organiser” on a desk. I do not like the term “organiser”, since a mug is in no way capable of organising. All the stationery is together and allowed to mix freely. Every time you move the mug even slightly, the pens jump around and rearrange themselves. This is hardly organised. The stationery would be far more organised if it was just laid out on the desk.

Another thing I do not understand is the need for so many pens that they need to be organised. I get by with a single clutch pencil, and a single pen (black, rarely used). The nice thing about having only two of anything is that they are organised even if you get the order back to front. (You can always claim reverse alphabetical order). There are very few jobs which would require more stationery than that, and if they do, that stationery is not normally used often enough to justify the space it takes up on the desk. This stationery should be kept in a drawer – the correct place for storing stationery.

Honestly, have they not considered what would happen if they were to suddenly want a cup of coffee? They’d have to drink it out of the drawer...
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Sunday, February 21, 2010

On Politics


Which is a topic I usually steer well clear of, but I think things would be different if more people dropped their current political allegiances and formed a party like the Party of Citizens Who Have Decided to Think for Themselves and Be Their Own Politicians. But of course, it could never work, because people don't like to think for themselves... The whole idea of politics is silly. Perhaps the world's only hope is for people to accept parties like the Monster Raving Loony Party.

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Sunday, February 14, 2010

On the End of the World...


... which, as I’m sure you’ve heard by now, will be happening on the 25th of August 2011, and not the end of 2012 as so many people are starting to believe. It is going to be a fascinating, but humbling experience to see the gigantic continent destroying robots that the penguins have been secretly assembling from the scrap that has washed up on the shores of Antarctica over the last few millennia. It’s our own fault really. We should have been more careful. We should not have let them get hold of so much raw material. We trusted the penguins too much. In fact, we trusted every creature on the planet too much, but only the penguins have the backing and the determination to carry out a plan of such a monstrous scale.

Being one of two animals that is native to Antarctica (the other being seals, who simply sleep all the time), they had plenty of opportunities to construct their massive secret underground lairs. The terrain is constantly changing as blizzards and shifting snow reshape mountains and snow dunes, as glaciers carve out valleys, and as ice caves collapse in. It requires almost no effort from the penguins to keep the entrances to their factories hidden. The penguins have planned it so well, and have managed to keep it all hidden for a very long time.

In fact, the only clue to their plans is film footage of penguins during a blizzard. There is quite a lot of footage of penguins in blizzards, and that in itself is what made me suspicious in the first place. Consider yourself walking through a town as a blizzard is starting to pick up. Your first instinct is to seek some form of shelter. This instinct is not just limited to humans – no animal enjoys being exposed to gale force wind and biting cold, solid, sharp snow. Imagine you ignored this instinct, and carried on through the blizzard. If, during the worst part of the storm, you were to encounter large group of men, wearing black suits, with their arms by their sides, standing dead still, trying desperately to appear as if they have no where better to be, then you’d quickly conclude that the only reason they could be out in that sort of weather would involve organized crime, and you would go out of your way to avoid them.

Consider now almost all the footage of penguins captured during raging blizzards. The behavior of the penguins is identical to that of an organized crime unit trying to appear unsuspicious. I have no doubt that as soon as a camera is detected within a certain radius, all the penguins immediately drop whatever tools they have, cover it with a bit of snow, and then stand around nonchalantly as if they enjoy that sort of weather. I am sure that the penguins make full use of blizzards to cover their covert operations.

Why else would they have chosen to live on a practically uninhabited continent that is plagued by horrible weather and ridiculously long nights for half the year.
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Sunday, February 7, 2010

On slightly stupid spiders...


... in slippers sliding into stuff while spinning in the snow on slippery slopes. Which I did promise to write about ages ago, even though there’s not too much to say about them. Apart from pointing them out, of course. Those with visual imaginations can draw up a mental image of this mildly retarded event, and have a little chuckle. Those who do not have visual imaginations can just say it really quickly, trip over the alliteration, and other people can have a little chuckle at you. All round everyone (generally regarded as some people) wins (provided they are prepared to lower their standards... such that a win can be regarded as anything that is not last place).

The nice thing about writing is that it encourages people to use their imaginations... which is to say, I’ve just saved myself several hours of developing a 3D animation of spiders on a snowy slope, which would only provide a few seconds of amusement to my audience. Instead, I can spend a few seconds writing a sentence, and provide the audience with the same (albeit somewhat devalued) few seconds of entertainment, thereby improving efficiency a thousandfold.
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