Thursday, September 23, 2010

On A Thousandth-Folded Shoe


A man on the loo, aft’ an hour or two, nothing had come through. Though his back end chute had given no more than a toot, he’d found a fold in his boot. Said he on the seat, “You’d think a fold so neat pride of origami elite.” Then, with his big toe, he pushed it over just so, and the fold in the shoe did grow. After a second fold, too a sight to behold, the edges he slightly rolled. He continued this way, this strange new play, for more than half of the day. Numbered these folds in his shoe six hundred and two, and still onward they grew. And within a week, though his seat did reek, he’d folded a flawless bird’s beak. And though his cat lay dead, for it hadn’t been fed, he didn’t even think of his bed. But there that man died, because he was all bloated inside, and let that, child, be your guide.
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Thursday, September 9, 2010

On the Shiny Silver Flying Pizza...


which I was initially convinced had chicken as one of its toppings, because my mind momentarily chose to hide from me the fact that chickens are actually flightless birds. Within seconds, though, I managed to come to the conclusion that it must be a ham pizza, since pigs fly (I’m sure of it) and the overly processed pork products (salami, sausage, bacon, etc) are much heavier foods than ham. A simple ham and a light mozzarella pizza on a thin crispy base would make the perfect flying pizza.

Although that would not account for the rich silver colour and the overall shininess of the object, which lead me to the conclusion that the object must have been a flying saucer. An insect or two must have found their way into the silvers cupboard and made off with a member of gran’s best tea set. The problem with that theory is it does not offer an explanation as to how the insects opened the cupboard (but I’m certainly not an entomologist, so I would not know whether that is possible or not). In addition, the object was not perfectly round, and the saucers of gran’s silver tea set are – the observation that led to my initial suspicion of a pizza.

There is no doubt that my brain works very slowly at times, but I should point out that the above thoughts passed through my mind in fractions of a second (which is an interesting saying, because a half second is a fraction of a second, so in the plural, several thousand half seconds would be classified as fractions of a second (which acts as my defence against accusations of my writing being contradictory due to my earlier statement of “within seconds”)), and it wasn’t long before I realised that a shiny silver not-round object floating across the sky could be a cloud. A cloud bringing light rain, with a colour like that.

So, maybe in a little longer than most other people would have taken, I managed to conclude that the flying object which I had failed to see had not been a pizza or a flying saucer, but in fact a rain cloud, shining in the reborn strength of the spring sunshine behind it. But, of course, I failed to see this cloud, because this notion of “spring rain” in this part of the country is rare, and only happens one or two years out of five. It is strange how people never remember that usually, the first real summer rains usually only fall around the end of October or beginning November.
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Tuesday, September 7, 2010

On Avo Farming: Part II


Although I initially wanted to keep my miniature avo orchard indoors, I have finally given up and moved it outside. The move seems to have been good for them, because two of the seeds have put out roots, and another four of them have started to open up. More importantly, they have remained more or less precisely where I left them.

A long time ago, I became convinced that armies of devious bovine were secretly sneaking around farms and arranging the trees in straight lines. I am sure this has something to do with preparing for the immanent human enslavement that the penguins are planning. However, the trees on my farm (which measures a vast 750 mm x 500 mm) have not moved at all.

There are two possible reasons for this. The first is that my farm is completely cattle proof. The entire farm is raised almost a meter off the ground, and located in a garden surrounded securely on three sides with precast concrete walls, with a steel palisade fence on the fourth side. However, I do not believe that the precast walls would stand up to a bovine assault, and I am not convinced that bovine would be unable to climb over the fence and negotiate the spikes on top, which leads to the second, slightly less comforting reason. The cattle have yet to find my farm...

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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

On Farming


Until this morning, the number of avocado trees busy germinating in my bedroom was in the double digits (They’ve now moved to get more sun, and make way for a second PC, but they’re still in the house). Does this qualify me as an avo farmer? My first instinct was no, because none of them actually provide me with food (In fact, only three have even started to show signs of rooting so far), but that got me thinking. What actually defines a farmer? If I went and bought 100 hectares of land, ploughed it all up and sowed seeds, then there would be no doubt that I’m a farmer... If I have ten avo trees germinating in my house, am I a farmer?

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